Compete Level

Western Conference Quarter-Finals


VS



Well folks, what we've got here is not only a classic perennial match-up, but also a David vs Goliath-esque battle. The Canuck has honed his "skills" for the last 6 months, and is hoping the third time's the charm against the Blackhawk. Training included standing in the rain a la Tim Robbins, and hanging out in English Bay, blasting Terell Saffadi's Black, Red, Yellow at unsuspecting tourists. The Blackhawk, still hungover from last year's victory celebration, spent his winter trying to blow away Patrick Kane's booze breath and keep his festering, STD-laden "unit" away by building himself a titanium jock strap, impervious to crabbs and HIV (Horny, Infected Vancouverites), because lord knows there's bound to be some incidental contact when "slashing" each other in the showers.

As much as I like The Canuck in this battle, I'm going to have to give it to The Blackhawk. Unlike The Canuck, The Blackhawk can actually keep focused by partying at the Roxy without fear of SOBS (Shane O'Brien Syndrome) and a subsequent trip to the LTIR.

Victor: The Blackhawk






VS



What a thrill for all you sports fans, the battle of California! The Shark, a software empath, is heavily favored in this match-up. I've had a behind the scenes look at The King's strategy, and he's determined mount the shield to the team's bus to prevent Dany Heatley from running them off the road. Unfortunately, this leaves him with only his earthquake sword, which when used will ultimately create a tsunami, where the army of Sharks will be able to finish him off. The King's job as guardian will ultimately lead to his own demise, and The Shark will be able to surf the waves (and web) from the safety of his beach front property.

Victor: The Shark






VS



Another classic battle! Rich against poor! North against South! Transformers against Dinosaurs! Wolverine... I mean, The Coyote, seems to have it all; a beautiful retirement home, a lovely wife, pack of Coyote Jrs, and the finest duster in Glendale. The Red Wing, on the other hand, has nothing but a debilitating crack habit, and desperately sells off his suit for one more hit. However, when The Coyote is forced to move North to Winnipeg, his young turn on him for nourishment when they're unable to procure the baked ziti they subsisted on for so many afternoons at the Glendale Golf & Country Club.

Victor: The Red Wing (Default)






VS



You've got to be fucking kidding me. I'll give it to the Duck, if only for a little help from Tommy Lightning.

Victor: The Duck